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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847712">What I wish I told you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/reapjii/pseuds/reapjii'>reapjii</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gorillaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adding More Tags LATER, Angst, Family Dynamic, Fanfic, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gorillaz - Freeform, Latino Murdoc, Other, Pain, alcohol consumption, drug mention, i’m literally so hurt, typical gorillaz stuff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:14:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/reapjii/pseuds/reapjii</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Murdoc loves Noodle to death, but finds it hard to communicate how he feels. He wishes he could be the dad he always wanted, but has his own demons to fight. Over the years, his mistakes pile up and Noodle slowly drifts away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Murdoc Niccals &amp; Noodle, not romantic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What I wish I told you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was around 6 PM when Murdoc was driving him and Noodle back from the gas station. The window was rolled down and smoke flowed out. Noodle’s English wasn’t the best, so she gave him an annoyed look to avoid speaking. She mentioned something in Japanese about how smoking wasn’t good for his health, but he shrugged it off.</p><p>“Listen, kid… Between you and me, this band is going to be a worldwide success.” He said. Noodle gave him a confused look, seeing as she never mentioned the band, but returned back to her annoying state. After shaking her head, her eyes followed the messy trails of clothes and garbage in his Winnebago.</p><p>Murdoc looked over at her and ruffled her hair. “For a kid, you are quite the pessimist.” He chuckled to himself and turned back to face the road. As soon as he did, he felt the Winnebago slow down and heard odd noises coming from the front of the vehicle. Soon enough, the motorhome came to a complete halt and he hopped out. </p><p>Murdoc kicked the side of it, muttering curse words under his breath. “Bloody piece of garbage!” He yelled, giving the winnebago forcefully kicked in between syllables. As he landed the final kick, he heard an audible crunch. Jumping back and grabbing onto the toe of his cuban heeled boot, he hopped backwards and yelled, “Fuckin’ hell!”</p><p>Noodle hopped out of the passenger's seat and watched Murdoc talk to himself as he examined the condition of the vehicle, noticing all the other indents.</p><p>“You should stop kicking it! It might be why it’s in such a bad condition!” She shouted in Japanese and broken English, gesturing to give him an idea of what she’s trying to tell him.</p><p>Murdoc slumped down onto the floor and looked up at the smaller girl hovering over him. “Right, well I can’t kick it much now, can I?!” He shouted back at her. His words were louder than he wanted them to be. He didn’t mean to be harsh, but it clearly offended Noodle.</p><p>She proceeded to walk along the road in search of some sort of store. The Latino man widened his eyes as he watched the young guitarist walk away from him.</p><p>“Noodle!” The man called out to her as he struggled to get himself up. Noodle stopped and stared right back at him, still visibly upset. He stopped in his tracks, intimidated by the small girl until she pointed to a light in the distance.</p><p>“Shop.”</p><p>He continues to limp toward her, dragging his bad leg behind. He placed a hand on her shoulder and chuckled, “Nice one, Noodle!”</p><p>He smiles at her, hoping she’d recognize that he was trying to make amends for yelling at her since he didn’t mean to. He hoped she could understand that. Her annoyed facial expression quickly disappeared and her mouth formed into a bright smile before she skipped toward the store. </p><p>He sighed in relief as he continued making his way towards the shop. A few minutes pass by, Murdoc looking back every so often to make sure the motorhome is still there. Noodle stopped right in front of the crumbling building and pointed frantically “Ask for help!” </p><p>Murdoc barely managed to understand what she was saying as her thick accent and long pauses between words made it difficult to decode her sentences. He looked toward the store and analyzed the surroundings. It was covered in dirt, vines, and it seems to be standing on its last leg. </p><p>The lack of cars in the parking lot allows for the man to feel uneasy. He was slightly hesitant, but he moved towards the door while he reached for the girl’s hand.</p><p>He walked into the store, careful not to put too much weight on his bad foot. He signaled towards the candy and looked over at Noodle. “Go look around,” He said as Noodle shook her head and simply said, “Dirty.” </p><p>Hearing her response made him nearly chuckle, but he kept his more serious demeanor.</p><p>“Wait here, then.” He told her as he pointed next to the counter and approached the cashier. She made her way over whilst examining the store. Something about it made her feel anxious, but she was unable to pinpoint what exactly it was. Instead, she just tapped her foot as she waited for Murdoc to return.</p><p>As Murdoc approached the cashier, he immediately noticed the wary look on his face.</p><p>“Oi?” He waved a hand in front of the cashier’s face to get his attention. The cashier seemed sluggish and zoned out, as if he was under the influence. Murdoc quickly noticed how off he felt by how the cashier presented himself.</p><p>After a ten-second delay in his reaction time, the cashier finally responded with a monotone, “Oh, hello sir… How may I help you?”</p><p>“I just need a cable…” Murdoc paused, contemplating saying any more to the off putting man. Eventually he finished his sentence. </p><p>“To jumpstart my winnie.” Murdoc glanced over at Noodle, then back to the cashier. “How much is it?” He pulled out his wallet and revealed stacks of hundred dollar bills. He closed it as quickly as he opened it, his eyes wide and filled with regret. The cashier noticed and immediately, his demeanor changed. This action seemed to perk him up.</p><p>Noodle took note on how quickly the cashier switched up, leaning closer, she kept her eyes stuck on him. “Oh, uh… How much do you have there?” The cashier asks him, moving towards Murdoc a bit more, clearly invading his personal boundaries. The way the man’s eyes were glued to his wallet caused several red flags to be raised between both the small girl and Murdoc.</p><p>“None of your business” he snapped back whilst tilting his face away from the ill-mannered cashier and shoving the wallet in his back pocket. “Just tell me how much for the cable and we’ll be on our way”</p><p>He grabbed Noodle’s arm and pushed her behind his own body, trying to be as calm as possible as not to alarm her.</p><p>“If you show me how much you have there, I can give you a cable with a good price.” The tired man gave Murdoc an unsettling grin.</p><p>Murdoc’s face contorts, disgust written all over it. He bent down to look at Noodle and placed his hands on her arms, whispering to her, “Noodle, I need you to go back to the winnebago, yeah?” He kept his eyes on the man who is now staring at the girl.</p><p>Without hesitation, Noodle shrugged Murdoc’s hands off of her shoulders and balled her fist, punching the cashier right in the bridge of his nose with full force. As soon as her hand met his face, he stumbled back. The falling man suddenly stopped and crashed to the floor, hitting the back of his head in the process; the sudden crash knocked him out.</p><p>Murdoc stood upright, eyes wide as he tried to process what had happened. He looked at Noodle for a split second before turning to one of the stands in the shop. He grabbed the jumpstart cable and ran back over to the girl. </p><p>“Cables are 15 pounds, sodding idiot!” He shouted as they stumbled out of the store, her hand in his. Noodle laughed as they ran frantically, mocking the noise the cashier made when she suddenly hit his nose. “15 pounds! Not much!” she added.</p><p>“No, not at all.” They both share a pant as they run back towards the winnebago. Once far enough away from the store, Murdoc slowed down so he could take a better look at her hand. After closer examination, he noticed a somewhat large bruise already forming along her knuckles. “We have to take care of this” He said while wincing at her slightly bloody knuckle. He looked up into her eyes.</p><p>For the first time, he felt like he could see her. He noticed the look in her eyes; pure euphoria.</p><p>He couldn’t remember the last time he felt that way, but he hoped she kept that feeling forever. Or at least, when she was with him…</p><p>As he pulled himself out of his thoughts, he told himself that no matter what may happen, he would do his best to keep those feelings preserved. He won’t ever hurt her.</p><p>“I am okay!” She said, snapping Murdoc back to reality as she jumped in place excitedly. With her free hand, she ruffled his hair up the same way he did to her. The man closed his eyes and let a smile grow on his face before seeing her jump around a few more times.</p><p>He furrowed his eyebrows, “Alright… But I'm cleaning this after we get the winnebago to start!” He tells her as he combs his hair with his fingers. He gets up and paces around the side, swearing under his breath.</p><p>“Diablo, how on Earth does this work?” He held one of the wires up and looked at it before realizing that two cars were needed for it to actually function. As soon as he realized this, he immediately let out a loud, frustrated groan and kicked the side of the Winnebago again.</p><p>Noodle averted her gaze away from Murdoc and to the ground beneath her. She plopped down and let a hum escape her while she twiddles her thumbs. Murdoc, in defeat, slumped down next to her. After listening to her soft whirs and glancing at her hand, he attempted to hum along with her, though his voice cracks and breaks all throughout. Noodle abruptly stopped and turned to him, her face and hands shriveled up.</p><p>“No.” She blandly said as she shook her head in disapproval.</p><p>Murdoc quickly looked over at her and sharply gasped as if he was genuinely offended by her remark. “Whaddya mean, ‘no’?” He asked while crossing his arms, an annoyed look visible on his face.</p><p>Noodle sighed as she returned the same annoyed look Murdoc gave her. She told him he sounded bad in Japanese.  </p><p>“Now what in the bloody hell does that mean?” Murdoc rolls his eyes. </p><p>Noodle pointed to her ears, shaking her head, “Bad,” she groans.</p><p>The grumpy older man looked at the road. He crossed his arms and mumbled, “You sounded worse than me…”</p><p>The small girl poked her tongue out, letting a slight giggle erupt from her. She looked at the floor again, letting her finger glide across the flat for a while before she started tracing out distinct shapes, shapes that looked like a disfigured Murdoc. Out of the corner of his eyes, Murdoc saw the drawing, he looked up at Noodle, “Hey, is that supposed to be me?” He chuckled. </p><p>Noodle nodded and pointed to her face, then to the ground beneath Murdoc. “Eh, you want me to give it a shot?” </p><p>She beckoned and watched as Murdoc switched between examining her and sketching on the floor. His tongue poked out as he tried to form a portrait of her.</p><p>After a minute or two, he leaned back, a satisfied smile formed across his face. He nudged her with his elbow and pointed at the rather disproportionate and uglier drawing.</p><p>“How ‘bout it?”</p><p>Noodle stared at the drawing, and then at Murdoc, shaking her head in disapproval. Murdoc slightly tilted his head. </p><p>“What, you don’t like it?” He questioned her.</p><p>She then took his finger in her hand and used it to scribble Murdoc next to her and drew the broken down winnebago behind them.</p><p>As Murdoc watched, he noticed the familiar characteristics and laughed as he proceeded to ask, “That’s us?” with a hint of amusement. He withdrew his hand and analyzed the finished product afterwards, clearly pleased with the result.</p><p>“Yes!” Noodle excitedly exclaims in Japanese before repeating it again in English. She seemed pretty content by their collaboration as well, letting out a sigh of relief as she put her hands on her waist.</p><p>Murdoc patted her on the back and smiled, “Atta girl!” He said faintly before a small sigh escaped his mouth a few moments later. He wondered how long it was going to be before a car was going to come— or if one would even come to begin with. The thought of being stranded out in the middle of nowhere irritated him to a certain extent, but he decided to shrug it off since Noodle was there and a part of him had a feeling things would be alright.</p><p>~~~</p><p>A few minutes passed before a light shines from the distance. Noodle jumped up and looked closely before recognizing that it was a car. Once confirming that it’s a car, she tugged on Murdoc’s sleeve to get his attention.</p><p>Lost in thought, it took him a few seconds before he looked over at Noodle and stood next to her. As soon as he noticed what she was trying to tell him, he ran into the middle of the road and waved his arm frantically hopping to give the sign that they were in desperate need of help.</p><p>The car started to slow down as it approached them. Once it hit a complete stop, the window rolled down and they were greeted by a man in the driver’s seat and what seemed to be his girlfriend or wife in the passenger's seat.</p><p>“Do you and your daughter need help?” The man asked, looking over at Noodle and then back at Murdoc.</p><p>Murdoc looked over at Noodle as well and then back at the guy with a confused look on his face as he said, “She’s not my daughter. She looks nothing like me-”</p><p>Realizing that insinuating she wasn’t his daughter would lead to a series of unnecessary questions, he cut his sentence off short and exhaled.</p><p>“Yes. We need to jumpstart our Winnebago. Can we use your car?”</p><p>The woman had caught on and raised an eyebrow when he said, “she’s not my daughter,” but chose not to say anything about it to her eager spouse. The man nodded as he got out of his car to help them.</p><p>~~~</p><p>“Brilliant!” He yelled after the engine started up. </p><p>“Thanks for the help!” Murdoc walked over to Noodle and placed a hand on her shoulder. He looked at her hand and stopped in his tracks when he saw the large bruise forming. He then grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the other side of the Winne.</p><p>“We better get going! Ta ta!” </p><p>The man and the woman wished them goodbye as they drove off. Noodle sighed in relief as she sank into the seat once they got in. Despite the putrid smell of his Winnebago, it was much more preferable than being stuck outside late into the night.</p><p>In the back, Murdoc was shuffling through a pile of what appeared to be clothes and junk that was in the corner of his Winnebago in search of something. “Where is it?!” He swore under his breath.</p><p>“Ah!” He smiled contently when he found a little white box with a red cross on it.</p><p>Noodle looked back at him with a confused look on her face.</p><p>He sat next to her and put her hand in his lap. The Latino man noticed how confused she is so he clarified.</p><p>“We have to clean this…” He said, holding up a bottle of rum and cotton pads.</p><p>She gave Murdoc a bewildered look, knowing that it’s going to really sting due to the fact that it wasn’t even rubbing alcohol and rather pure rum. The small girl looked down and tapped her feet together with increased anxiety.</p><p>“I know, I know,” Murdoc said as he drenched the cotton pad in rum. He added in a witty comment to distract from the odd uneasiness he felt:</p><p>“I’m wasting my rum for this. Be grateful!” He hesitantly muttered, taking a deep breath before taking her hand and bringing the rum-drenched cotton pad.</p><p>Noodle thought for a moment before she pulled her hand back.</p><p>“No!” She frowned. She then looked up at the ceiling as she struggled for a moment, trying to remember how to say ‘water.’ It took her a few seconds, but she forcefully said it once she figured it out.</p><p>“Water? You want me to use water instead?” He asked and placed the bottle of rum down, looking around the floor to see if he had any spare water bottles lying around.</p><p>Noodle nodded as she examined the condition of her knuckles. She winced slightly before looking back at him.</p><p>“Noodle…” He said softly. “All I have is rum.” Murdoc goes to hold her hand in his and brushes his thumb over one of the bruises.</p><p>“You can hold onto my arm and tell me if it hurts too much, yeah?”</p><p>She then pulled her hand back and kept it to herself. It was evident that she would prefer if they waited until they got back to Kong Studios.</p><p>Realizing that she wasn’t going to let him do anything, he sighed and turned in his seat to face the road. She was always stubborn with him, so it didn’t exactly surprise him all that much. He assumed that she didn’t trust him well enough or that she thought he didn’t know what he was doing. Both statements were true, but he didn’t let himself believe that they were. ‘Of course I knew what I’m doing. I’m Murdoc-Fucking-Niccals,’ he thought.</p><p>As he drove along the bumpy road, he smirked and said, “We can do it at home.”</p><p>He paused for a second before correcting himself. “Kong… We can do it back at Kong.” He softly said, almost being completely inaudible.</p><p>Noodle gave him a thumbs up and a warm smile, signaling to him that she agreed with that idea. She caught onto the fact that he said “home,” but decided not to make a big deal about it.</p><p>~~~</p><p>After about an hour or so of driving, he pulled up near the building. He sighed and looked over at Noodle, tiredly saying, “Don’t show Russ or 2D,” as he gestured toward her hand.</p><p>She giggled as she hopped out of the seat. The young guitarist then stuck her hand in her pockets and hummed as she waited for Murdoc to get out.</p><p>Murdoc rubbed his eyes and got out of the motorhome before walking toward the entrance. Instinctively, he took her good hand in his and pulled out his keys with the other. He fumbled for a bit but refused to let go of Noodle’s hand. As she waited, she swung their hands as she yawned. It was almost midnight and Noodle was getting tired extremely sleepy. All that was on her mind was getting inside and going straight to bed rather than cleaning up her hand like they agreed to beforehand.</p><p>As soon as Murdoc found the right key, he unlocked the door before looking at Noodle.</p><p>“I’m gonna clean that first,” He looked at the hand in her pocket, “Then straight to bed, got it?” </p><p>“Mhm..” She mumbled, almost unable to keep her eyes open. </p><p>Right when they walked in, they were greeted by the singer standing right in front of them. Slightly startled, Murdoc flinched and yelled, “What the hell, faceache?!” </p><p>The sudden reaction had caused 2D to flinch as well before relaxing a few seconds later. Without reason, the singer looked at Murdoc’s hand which was holding the younger girl’s. As soon as Murdoc noticed that he was looking, he tore his hand away.</p><p>Noodle flinched at the somewhat coldhearted response and looked up at 2D, hugging his legs as her way of greeting him.</p><p>“Hallo!” She yawned.</p><p>Murdoc shoved his keys into his pocket forcefully and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing the beer that was on the counter and taking a large swing of it. 2D look back over at him and frowned, “That was mine, Murdoc...” 2D pouted while rubbing Noodle’s back.</p><p>“Right, and now it’s mine” Murdoc rebuttals, placing the bottle next to the sink.</p><p>2D doesn’t say anything back, already accepting the fact that he wasn’t going to win the argument. “What took you guys so long? I thought you were just getting cigarettes?” He squinted his right eye and raised an eyebrow.</p><p>Murdoc grabs a small towel and runs it under the faucet. “Bloody winnebago decided to break down in the middle of the road!” He says, not looking at either of them.</p><p>Noodle let go of 2D and walked into the kitchen with Murdoc. “Right… What was with you and Noodle holding hands?” 2D asked curiously, following them into the kitchen and leaning against the wall.</p><p>Murdoc, already getting increasingly frustrated, rolled his eyes and muttered, “Nothing. She wanted to hold it so I let her. Just this once.” He drained the water from the rag and looked at 2D.</p><p>“What’s with the rag, then?” 2D asked, gesturing to it.</p><p>“None of your bloody business…” Murdoc could feel his face heat up with rage and embarrassment.</p><p>Noodle glanced over at Murdoc when he said that she wanted to hold it. She gave him a ‘really?’ look and crossed her arms. Murdoc looked down at her menacingly before looking back up at the pestering blue-haired man. </p><p>“I was just wonderin’. You guys just looked different.” 2D persisted.</p><p>“Different? What’s that supposed to mean?” Murdoc growled, raising his voice even more.</p><p>2D flinched until he noticed Noodle’s hand “Murdoc! What happened?!” He rushed up to the girl and took her hand in his.</p><p>“This looks bad. We should clean it!”</p><p>Immediately, Murdoc picked up the beer bottle from the counter and threw it against the wall near the black-eyed man’s head, shouting at the top of his lungs, “What did you think I was gonna do?! You think I can’t take care of her?!”</p><p>2D quickly covered his face and jumped back. “I was trying to help!” He stuttered.</p><p>The sudden crash and Murdoc’s voice left Noodle frightened as well. Taking small steps, she shakily moved away from Murdoc and 2D before quickly running up the stairs to her room. Hearing Murdoc yell like that made her feel unsafe.</p><p>Once she got to her room, she closed the door and sat on her bed, hugging her legs as she calmed down.</p><p>Murdoc brought his hand up to his temples and rubbed hard. “Clean this shit up…” He said as he walked up the stairs. Never in his life did he think that doing such a simple task like approaching the youngest member’s room would fill him with so much dread. Hesitantly, he knocked on Noodle’s door with the rag in his hand. </p><p>“Noodle?” He said in the softest tone he could manage with his deep, raspy voice.</p><p>She lifted her head up from her knees and slowly got up as she slightly opened the door.</p><p>“Murdoc?” Noodle stuttered, looking up at him and then back down at the floor.</p><p>He noticed her shaky voice and decided to keep that same soft tone. “Can I clean your hand now?” He gave her a sad smile.</p><p>She glanced at the rag, taking it and then shutting the door on him.</p><p>He stood there in awe, staring at the door before down at his feet. The sudden rejection left him<br/>
standing for a few minutes before walking down the stairs to see 2D picking up shards of glass.</p><p>“Get out of the way,” Murdoc sighed, walking out the front door and back into his Winnebago.</p>
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